can we drop 2013 and move into 2014 lighter

My new years resolution for 2013 was to begin again in each moment with love and humility. 

It has been a real challenge, I'm not going to lie. This has been a year of immense solitude and often agonizing self-reflection. 

My kundalini teacher said that 2013 was a year of letting things go. We are all carrying around a lot of baggage and it has come to the surface this year, revealing itself so that we have the opportunity to see it, feel it, heal it and release it to the universe. When she was explaining this, every single person in the room, without exception, was nodding vigorously. 

No doubt it has been a heavy year for us all.

Thankfully, she said that if we can manage to release our 'stuff', 2014 will be fresh start (with a new moon on the 1st!) and will be a year of travelling more lightly, simplifying, going back to basics.

I am wrapping up 2013 in a way that befits both the release of the old and the embrace of what's to come. I'm attending a Vipassana meditation course from Dec 20-31. Vipassana is a ten day meditation course, which entails complete silence and meditation from morning to evening for the entire period. 

Maybe it makes no sense to most people, but it feels right for me. Solitude. It has been my enemy but now I choose to make friends with it. To enter it like a deep cave. To not scramble for the light in fear, but to anchor myself in my breath. To sit. To feel it. (Whatever it turns out to be.) To know that I will come out on the other side and when I do I will be more sensitive to who I am. Maybe I will find something in there that is worthy of love. Maybe I will drop some things that I've been carrying around. Maybe I will come out travelling lighter. If I can do the work I know I can get there.

As we wrap up another year can we take a moment to meditate on what we can leave behind forever? Can we empty our hands of whatever we are carrying and step into the next year with palms open, face to the sky?

My resolution for 2014 is to begin again in each moment knowing that at our core, without our baggage, we are all the same radiant presence. Light(ness). Love. Peace. 

Namaste, happy new year!

a lesson in presence from whacking things with my hands

...Don't worry, they can't feel it. 

Lately I've been rocking out on the djembe and the darbouka (African/Arabic hand drums). I started taking lessons for no reason in particular. I guess I just had this visceral need to beat the shit out of a drum. I can't explain it, but from the very first lesson I had this profound feeling of peace that said I'm in exactly the right place right now.

Last class we learned a more intricate rhythm than the ones we'd been practising - a really funky offbeat groove with a sneaky extra hit in the 4th phrase.

I was diggin' it, really feeling the vibe. 

It's interesting to watch the mind as it's incorporating the new rhythm. 

At first it is so focussed, so intent on getting it. You nail each beat. You can visually see the pattern in your mind. 

You come up with all sorts of cues to twig your muscle memory. One right hand base, right hand tap, left base, right base, right left tap. It suddenly becomes a mental diagram, like one of those footstep diagrams showing dance steps. Or maybe something akin to Dance Dance Revolution or Guitar Hero. It's all coming logically together in a pattern, and goshdarnit I'm nailing it!

That all happens in about 45 seconds to a minute. 

After about a minute when that thought has become a well-formed presence in the mind and you're thinking, "I'm nailing it, I'm nailing it! Yes, check out my groove!", of course, you're thinking about how you're nailing it rather than what you were thinking about before, which is what you are actually doing, playing the rhythm. So, of course, you lose it. 

You drop one beat at first. Then you become so completely clusterfucked and confused that the whole pattern is completely eradicated from your mind. Gone.

So I look up at the instructor who I imagine to be laughing at me, but he's not because it's actually me who's laughing at me. And I look around at the others and I get back into it. 

Base tap base base tap tap. Base tap base base fumble. Now I'm confused and frustrated and thinking about it really hard. (So it was one base and then which hand do I use....) My shoulders are hunched over, my face twisted in concentration. 

Ok, I see what's going on here, I'm taking this a bit seriously. Relax face, relax body. Ready, set, groove. And I'm off again, into the rhythm. I notice that as I shut my thinking mind down and let my hands move automatically it begins to happen again. I'm nailing it.

Feelin' good. Feelin' groovy. It's all coming out creatively. The diagrams are gone and now there's just this raw creative impulse. In fact, my body has begun to move in some bizarre drum dance motion, which feels really nice.

And that goes on for a bit. Until I think about it. Until I think, "wow check me out, I'm doing this without even thinking! It's all just happening!" And then what is happening is that I'm not feeling it any more, now I'm thinking about how I'm feeling it and so, of course, I lose it. 

It's around this time when I begin to notice the interesting thing. I know the rhythm now; I feel the rhythm now. It comes with no problem, but as soon as I let my mind wander to another thought it's gone. I am being taught a lesson in presence. 

I notice that I cannot be playing the rhythm and thinking about stopping at the store on the way home to pick up dinner. I can't be thinking about what somebody said at work today. I lose the rhythm. 

I can watch my hands. I can watch the instructor. I can listen to the rancorous cacophany of the drumming circle. I can even look around the room (which is actually a yoga studio) at the pictures of BKS Iyengar in eight angle pose and such framed in black and white on the walls. 

It seems that as long as I am somewhere in the room, living in this moment, the rhythm will permit me to continue the experience of drumming. 

On this day, once this recognition had really set in I went about trying to stay as present as I could, and I am telling you now, it wasn't perfect, but I rocked it truly for the rest of the session.

That evening I took away two things: a really funky new groove, and a powerful lesson in presence given to me directly through experience.

That was on Wednesday and it's Friday now and for those 1.5 days I have been taking that lesson into various situations in my life and feeling the rewards of it. It's that intense focus into what you are doing, the rhythm of it, the feel of it, the sound of it, that has the capacity to uplift a task you do into a task you rock. And man, that's groovy.

Love always

this buddha belly is weighing on my mind...

I've had a few days off writing the blog. Maybe it's the coming holiday season or the moon or just me, but I've been feeling really out of touch with myself over this past week. Anything I tried to put down on paper seemed inauthentic, like I was pushing too hard. 

I am trying to get grounded again so I'm going to try to be really real with you. I think it will help me (which is really very selfish actually! :) ).

I've been caught in some pretty mean feedback loops in my mind of late. The most frustrating is my obsession with my post-winter spare tire. 

I recognize that I am not overweight, but I have put on a significant amount of weight to the point where I'm noticing that tops that were loose before are tight now. And I'm not really sure how it happened. (winter=less walking outside + too much chocolate + who knows and it doesn't matter?)

Last year I lost a significant amount of weight (I don't own a scale and couldn't tell you numbers if I wanted to) and was the smallest I have ever been in my adult life. I had beautiful thin arms with muscles I had never seen before rippling elegantly along my bones and my stomach was flat. *sigh* For the first time ever in my whole life my little pot belly nearly disappeared. 

I tried not to give into vanity. I honestly did. I tried to remain unattached and all that, but I was just so pleased with myself that I couldn't help but get a huge rush of worthiness and self-approval every time I caught myself in the mirror. (Like, YES I finally did it!)

Which makes my current situation all the more painful and, I suppose, a (really fun?!) learning opportunity. 

Obviously, the problem with getting so much self worth out of something so inconsistent and fleeting as a body image is that when you don't have it or it goes away you feel worthLESS. 

I think, how can I have done all this work on myself and be back HERE? I made it THERE and then I turned right back around and came back HERE. The shame of the weight I'm carrying now is not just vanity like it might have been before. Now it feels like this is also the weight of failure. I have failed to be that advanced being that I sometimes thought I was.

I am, in fact, mortal. Flawed. Fallible. And prone to emotional over-eating.  

(There, I said it.)

I guess it's just a message that I have only just begun this journey and that I still have lots to learn. 

I have nothing to do now but put down my hang ups and keep moving on. Forgive myself and stop beating up on myself. Try to see beauty when I look in a mirror rather than pick apart everything I hate.

I am me. And this is my body this time around. If I can't love it today, when will I? What needs to happen to make it acceptable to me? What needs to change for me to change my thinking?

With much love....

simple insight from The Little Prince

I really like this chapter from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery....

Chapter 22

"Good morning," said the little prince.

"Good morning," said the railway switchman.

"What do you do here?" the little prince asked.

"I sort out travelers, in bundles of a thousand," said the switchman. "I send off the trains that carry them: now to the right, now to the left."

And a brilliantly lighted express train shook the switchman's cabin as it rushed by with a roar like thunder.

"They are in a great hurry," said the little prince. "What are they looking for?"

"Not even the locomotive engineer knows that," said the switchman.

And a second brilliantly lighted express thundered by, in the opposite direction.

"Are they coming back already?" demanded the little prince.

"These are not the same ones," said the switchman. "It is an exchange."

"Were they not satisfied where they were?" asked the little prince.

"No one is ever satisfied where he is," said the switchman.

And they heard the roaring thunder of a third brilliantly lighted express.

"Are they pursuing the first travelers?" demanded the little prince.

"They are pursuing nothing at all," said the switchman. "They are asleep in there, or if they are not asleep they are yawning. Only the children are flattening their noses against the windowpanes."

"Only the children know what they are looking for," said the little prince. "They waste their time over a rag doll and it becomes very important to them; and if anybody takes it away from them, they cry..."

"They are lucky," the switchman said.

yoga, in 4 "easy" steps

My journey with yoga has been a winding road.

Almost always uphill and around many unknown bends and dips, it has been a difficult and treacherous path. 

As I look back to myself two years ago when I started on this journey, I know that I am essentially the same person today as I was back then, only with layers upon layers of sadness, anxiety and emotional baggage removed.

This is a brief summary of how yoga changed my life in 4 “easy” steps.

As I prepared to write this article, I was recalling the various stages of evolution in my yoga practice. It wasn’t long before I realised that each step of my journey was actually one that I had taken before, recycled in another form. I recognized a pattern of 4 repeating steps.

Maybe you have noticed them in your own journey…

They are: 1. Challenge, 2. Recognition, 3. Humility, and 4. Love.

Here is a little bit of how it played out for me since the beginning.

Challenge. I need to do something to get myself out of the house! I need exercise. Sitting in a desk all day and in front of the TV at night, I am watching myself slowly grow fatter and lazier! Can’t stand the gym and it’s too cold in winter to get outside, maybe I’ll check out hot yoga. It seems like it could be a bearable form of physical activity (seriously though, I hated exercise).

Recognition. Yoga is showing me some hard truths about myself. My body is so tight and asleep. I feel like an old lady! An unhealthy old lady.

I hope no one is watching me try to prop myself up on two blocks in half-pigeon pose. At least I can kind of blend in if I stick to the back of the room and only ever wear black!

I think this teacher is a bit strange. She keeps telling me to “move energy.” Not sure what that means, nor am I sure what the point of “om-ing” is. It makes me feel like a fake and I have to stop myself from laughing! I can’t even seem to close my eyes for 5 minutes in Savasana, let alone “observe” and “detach from” my thoughts like she says.

Humility. I don’t really care how good I am at these poses anymore or what I look like. I am enjoying yoga so much! I can’t believe the amount of improvement I am seeing, even from one class to the next! My body is capable of more than I thought it was! Who would have thought all the weird positions I could get into?!

Love. I feel strong. I officially LOVE this practice! It’s all I can talk about to my partner and anyone who will listen – the new positions I got into that day, how the sound of the om resonates through my body, and just how nice everyone is at the studio. I feel at home on my mat, and for the first time in a very long time, I feel at home in my body.

I learn to breathe.

Challenge. The more I build my life around yoga, the more I can see what I am doing in my life and on my mat. I can feel when I’m tired in my body and in my mind. I recognize how different foods affect my practice. I notice days when my mind is racing a million miles a second and others where I feel calmer and more focussed.

I am tuning in to myself. I can feel it. I can feel the yoga in the other areas of my life.

I stay in the hard poses (and close my eyes in Savasana) even when it feels impossible. I understand that the only limitations I have are the ones I create for myself.

I decide I want to be a happier and healthier human and I can see what needs to be changed to accomplish this. I take my first careful steps.

Recognition. All hell breaks loose. I am a mess. I’ve changed but my life hasn’t kept up and now everything has fallen apart. My relationship, my job, my goals – I question everything. I lose everything.

I see so many mistakes I’ve made in my life that it’s almost unbearable.

I question myself. This is not who I want to be.

I lose myself. Who am I?

I crash into despair and depression. Yoga keeps me alive.

Humility. I poke my head out from under the blankets of shame and fear.

I am still here.

My flaws are all exposed and raw, but I see no other choice than to keep living. I decide not to repeat certain mistakes. I decide to begin fresh. I decide to forgive those flaws.

Like falling out of a yoga pose, I get back up and try again. I am only human after all.

Love. I forgive myself. I see my flaws daily and catch myself in old behaviours but now I understand them. I see them as they’re happening and I smile in gratitude and recognition.

I know it’s OK.

I begin to see everyone I encounter as flawed also, and in their flaws I recognize a beautiful vulnerability.

I feel high. I feel invincible. I feel love coursing through me. Everything is OK in the universe.

Challenge. Believing I’m invincible and wanting more peace in my life, I try to mend fences with my ex-partner. So much old hurt and pain surface. I know I’m in a better place than I was before, but I can’t help feeling anger and blame for everything that’s happened. I am most angry that I allowed him to knock me out of my state of grace.

Recognition. I see how upset I am and I don’t like the person I see. I don’t like the things I’ve said and the way I acted. I fall apart again.

Humility. I begin fresh again by deciding to forgive. I realise I still have a long way to go on my path to healing.

Yoga provides the spiritual guidance I seek. I feel connected to myself, to others, and to a higher power through my practice. I decide to study and to learn and to be patient with myself. I am an empty cup.

Love. I see the beauty of it all. The fullness of life flows through me. Yoga is a delicious celebration.

Challenge. I visit home and am confronted by the ghosts of my past. They still see me as I once was. I wonder which person is really me.

I return to my new home but I feel separate – separate from myself and separate from the world. I still drag myself to yoga class but it has lost most of its meaning for me. I go through the motions.

Recognition. I wonder about the purpose of my life. Where should I be and who should I be? I don’t feel at home anywhere, even in my own body.

I am so f#%ked up.

I fall apart. Again.

Humility. I see quicker now and it’s easier to forgive myself for my flaws. I open myself. I empty my cup again.

I decide to let intuition lead the way. I decide to keep my feet on the ground and keep my flaws on display.

In allowing my vulnerability, I begin to feel strong. From this place I push my limits and touch places I haven’t before – in life and on the mat.

Love. I am in a more real place. And by real, I mean true to myself.

I feel strong. I am courageous and I put mySelf out into the world. People see me and I see them. I love them all regardless of how they perceive me. Life feels like a game and I want to play!

…and so it continues…

The yoga asanas are a physical practice that bring us through these stages of recognition in our bodies, but my yoga, my true yoga, is a practice that grows my life holistically through stages of clarity and chaos.

Through the cyclical pattern of expansion and contraction, birth and death, I come closer to my internal home.

The patterns, attitudes and beliefs that I don’t need die away one by one, and out I come each time, fresh as a baby, a snake shedding its skin.

My yoga journey is a cyclical motion of my soul spiralling ever outward from my body, and my focus spiralling ever closer to my heart centre.

Love,

R

PS. Thank you to the Yoga Loft, Newcastle for sharing my story with your community!