a loving meditation on my corporate job: part 2

9:30 am. Expense reconciliationasana. It is really quiet in here. I notice my breathing. I take several deliberate ujjayi breaths. No one notices. No one is here. I am all alone in this office. Everyone in the field today, the two others upstairs in deep meditation, spreadsheetasana.

I empty my mind, becoming present to each small movement I am making. Yes. This receipt does match the statement. Place it on the pile. Gingerly lift the next receipt and examine. Yes. This receipt does match the statement. Place it on the pile. Gingerly lift the next receipt ...continue focus on breathing...and examine. Yes. This receipt does match....

Open new window in Google. Type in 'vegan recipe buckwheat pancakes'. Search. Click. Read. Print.

I recognize I've momentarily lost focus. Breathe and begin again. 

I empty my mind. Gingerly lift the next receipt. Yes. This receipt does match the statement. Place it on the pile. 

9:37 am. Time for a tea break. Child's pose. I enjoy each moment of blissful standing rest. 

9:40 am. Expense reconciliationasana. Breathe. Repeat 108 times to breath, Kundalini style.

10:30 am. Inventoryasana. Check toilet paper stockasana. Reorder onlineasana. I'm flowing through the poses. It's a vinyasa.

10:45 am. I go for a walk outside to breathe some air. I reflect on my progress for the day so far. I feel slightly bored and useless until I remember that I get to go to yoga practice once my corporate job practice is done for the day. And I remind myself how I paid for my yoga membership and for that matter, the organic veggies in the salad I packed for lunch. I remind myself of the nice people I work with. I think about my life for a moment from a view from above and see clearly how privileged I am in every way. Gratitude.

11:00 am. I go back into the office disarmed. Lotus pose at my desk. I make a list of everything I need to accomplish that day. Travel bookingasana. Data entryasana. Photocopyasana. 

I move through the practice one pose at a time. Bringing myself back to breath whenever my mind wanders off. 

4:30 comes. I drive home in deep (eyes-open) Savasana. Relaxed, the practice complete. Restoring my mind and body for the next phase of the day. 

Having practised daily for years, I know these asanas well. Still, they feel a little different each day. One day a struggle, the next I fly straight through, light as a feather. If I tune in my daily tasks become a tool to see what my mind is doing that day. Then I have a choice. I can choose gratitude over boredom. Even in mundane tasks I can choose to be present and alive. It's not easy, but it has become my spiritual practice.

Sit. Stay. Breathe. Feel.

you are entitled to your opinion just as I am entitled to my opinion...so why am I so offended?

Despite all of my yogic practice, deep breathing and meditation, some things still really set me off when I hear them and I would like to know why.

Specifically, I take great offence to being told (outright or by implication) that my opinion or my way of life is wrong.

I have put a lot of thought and consideration into my beliefs. I like to think am a mindful and conscious person most of the time. I practice non-judgement of myself and others every moment of every day (when I say practice, that is what I mean - it is never perfect).

I specifically try to avoid imposing my beliefs or lifestyle onto anybody. My guideline is that if someone asks me a question I will answer the question fully and directly and from my heart. I try not to volunteer information (especially in situations where I sense there are many differing viewpoints). I didn't choose these beliefs to get attention or gain some sort of moral authority. And I don't like when the phrase "healthy debate" is used to mask a self-important and ego-driven rant. I prefer to share and discuss and learn.

So I feel really choked up when I hear someone say something judgemental about something I am passionate about (often not knowing anything about the topic or even asking me why I've made my choice).

For example, veganism is a bit of a hot topic in my life (along with "alternative" medicine). People often say things like, "people weren't meant to be vegans" or "I think you should be less rigid with your beliefs" or worse, they imply somehow that I am doing harm to myself or others with my food/lifestyle/healthcare choices.

My heart does a double-backwards-somersault into my throat when people wave articles from "scientific journals" in my face as their "proof." Firstly, you can find "scientific proof" of just about anything, it all depends on who you ask. Secondly, all you are doing is regurgitating someone else's opinion instead of formulating your own and then telling me that I also should adopt that opinion.

It's not that I have anything against science. Quite the opposite. It's that I don't believe science can give us or has given us the be all and end all TRUTH.

Science is a relatively new system (from Newton's time of the 1600s) and is a great and powerful method of reason. It has explained the working of many things for us and given us incredible advances in technology.

By definition, science continues to seek the truth. It changes its mind all the time about what that truth is as it discovers new and wonderful things. Often there are conflicting opinions even between scientist researching the same thing. Scientific articles from the past are often disproved or added to. Science is a growing body of knowledge and a process for gaining more knowledge.

But to accept science or a scientific paper as TRUTH is the same as accepting the bible or some other written work as TRUTH. Truth cannot be defined. It can only be pointed towards. Science, too, can be dogmatic if we cling to it as truth.

Scientific articles can be really interesting, and they can often help us to form our opinions, along with our intuition, our gut-feeling about something. When something works for you, you know it (on a level that is more base than intellectual).

This is how we come to know ourselves - experientially, intuitively, and through curiosity.

Coming from this perspective, maybe you can see why I get frustrated when someone waves a piece of paper in my face and says "see, I'm right, you're wrong, this paper says so". 

Or, maybe you can't, because it's highly likely that I am over-reacting.

And this brings me pack to my original point. I am interested to know why I get so frustrated with people and their unsolicited opinions. I wish I could explain to them the above and then they would understand that we can all live together in harmony with our gloriously different opinions. But that will never happen.

I need to figure out a way to not give a shit what they think of my beliefs. Or better yet, I need to figure out a way to not even hear what they are saying if it is judgemental of others. Because really, when I think about it, I know that what they are saying is their own opinion, which they are entitled to. And regardless of whether or not they are judging me for my opinion, that it doesn't change its validity. I wish we could all just share with open minds and hearts.

Rather than feeling victimized I need to find a way to stand strong in myself and know myself. I need to try to not let what other people say affect me so much - it is just words after all. 

Like when I was a kid, "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me".

...Maybe that's what I'll reply to the next snarky facebook comment...



With love always,

R

Lord's Prayer translated from Aramaic...kinda changes Christianity for me (in a good way)

I love this and I wanted to share...

The traditional Lord's prayer begins

Our Father who art in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
thy Kingdom come
Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven

Look at the translation into English directly from the original Aramaic. Can you feel the difference?

Radiant One.
You shine within us,
Outside us.
Even darkness shines when we remember.

from Gregg Braden's book The Divine Matrix. 

Love,

R

a beginner's guide to voting with your body

What does it mean to vote with your body?

We tend to think of political activism as writing letters to public figures, going on marches or going to the polls every few years, but I have come to realise that the most powerful political tool I have access to is me. The way I choose to live, the beliefs I choose to maintain, my choices each day, these are my ballot. My body is my ballot.

Here is a quick, but maybe not so easy, beginner's guide (because I am still a beginner at conscious living also) to voting with your body.

1. Self inquiry. Get quite. Get still. Ask yourself what kind of being you are. Are you a helpful being? Are you a kind being? What are your values? 

No one has a right to pass judgement on your values. Your values, whatever you decide they are, are your unique gift to the world. (and, by the way, your values can change as often as you decide based on whatever new information you might receive. There is a word for inflexible values, it's called "dogma")

Let your values inform your politics.

2. Recognize your power. Think about all the ways you interact with the political and economic system. Do you buy things? Do you consume things? Are you involved in organizations? What about communities or social groups? What activities do you enjoy? Who do you work for? How do you spend your time?

3. Become conscious. Critically analyse whether the activities in the above line up with your values. Where does your money go? For example, do you give your money to oil and petroleum companies (no judgement, I do it too!) or to your local municipality in the form of public transportation? 

Where do you buy your food? Where does that food come from and how is it produced? What are you actually eating (read ingredients)? 

What else are you buying/consuming? Clothing? Where is that made? What is it made of? Who made it? Furniture? Books? Other things? Do you need them? Who are you supporting and why?

Remember that every time you put a penny down you participate in a political/social/environmental act. What is your purchase saying to the government, to your community, to yourself?

Think about your choices. 

Time is a form of currency too. Think about where you are spending your time and how. Do these choices feel good to you? If so they are probably in alignment with your values. If not, then you might want to ask yourself why you are investing time in them.

Infuse your day, your week, your life with consciousness.

4. Notice and make adjustments. Only once we finally see what we are doing can we decide to make changes. Remember that you are significant! Corporations, organizations, producers couldn't survive without individuals who support them! And if you want to see change in the world the easiest way is to change how you see the world. Start with yourself. You are the only thing you can really change. Feel the power and agency in that. If you life with conscious intention, you lead with authority.

5. Never stop learning, changing and adjusting. Be open. Seek the truth, but don't cling to it.

I told you it was quick! Easy is another story. It can seem overwhelming - all of the choices, so many things to consider and so much potential for mistakes! But there is a great beauty and comfort in knowing that each simple choice we make helps to create a reality we are looking towards. Nobody can live 100% perfectly all the time (or ever!), but we can adapt, recalibrate, and use our values to guide us gradually to the path of our choosing and in time, to the world of our choosing.

I may not be the most politically literate person in the world, and you won't catch me protesting in the street, but I make sure I vote every day with my lifestyle and my choices. Gandhi said, "my life is my message," well I second that, and add, my body is my ballot. 

Love,

R

how unmasking our raw trembling and naked selves is a good thing

Recently there was a death in my family that was particularly difficult.

There is something about tragedy, loss and suffering that opens a person up. The rawness and depth of the ache seems to allow access to layers that were previously ignored or otherwise off-limits.

It is beautiful to see someone sharing their pain freely and without ego. That is, without hiding behind limits set by societal norms of how intense is too intense? how deep, too deep? (I once had someone say to me, you know, you're kind of intense)

Some people seem to naturally have more ready access to this level of emotional rawness than others. For some it is right there on their face at any instant or ready to spill out at the word go. 

I am one of those people. I once cried in high school because a much-loved teacher who had departed to another school had a whole box of donuts (his favorite treat to give students) delivered to me during class one day. I remember I wasn't even embarrassed at my display of emotions, I only remember being so surprised with love and gratitude and feeling those feelings so fully.

I cry a lot actually.

I once had a very intuitive friend advise me to think about tears. Tears can actually be a way that we run from our emotions or distract ourselves from what is going on internally. They can be another mask we wear.

This comment stuck with me and I refer back to it sometimes when I feel myself welling up. Just a quick check in, what am I feeling and am I allowing myself to feel it fully? If yes, then the tears are a natural part of the process for me.

My grandmother taught me to cry.

We used to sit together when I was small and listen to her favourite music, Bach, and cry, feeling the beauty of the symphony in our hearts.

I don't remember crying when she died, but these days when I talk to her, I often well up.

So yes, my emotions are always at the surface. I'm not saying this is good or bad, I'm just reveling in the differences between people. I often wish I could be a more "composed" person.

I was in this group of people recently, working on a personal development program together, and we were given this really intense and extremely gratifying exercise. We stood face to face with every other person in the group, one at a time, and had to look directly into their eyes for a period of time. The instructions were to tell them silently, using our eyes only, about our personal journey. Trying to set aside the nerve-wracking experience and general discomfort of the intimacy involved implicit in staring into another's eyes, I set about exposing myself to each of them and opening myself to see what they would share with me.

I was astounded to realize just how much we can share with our eyes. Some people let me right into their souls. They showed me their pain and their triumph and their love. Others were open but hesitant, but as I revealed myself to them they too would open like a flower, the depth behind the mask. And some stayed shut. There was a wall just beyond the surface that they clung to, consciously or unconsciously.

The most profound thing I learned from this exercise is that, as we've been told, we are all one. Regardless of our experiences, our pain our growth, we aren't just the same as one another, we are different faces of the same person. Different perspectives of the same love. 

In our grief and our suffering, in our gratitude, love and joy we are connected. The walls we put up are artificial. They may serve a purpose for us and we can choose to use them. But as soon as we allow it, we can experience oneness.

Try it. Look at the next person you see from the knowledge that he is you and see what happens.

In my life I often feel like I have to tone down my intensity so that I don't scare others away. I wonder what would happen if I let that go. When grief touches us we sometimes glimpse a portal into the realm of oneness. Is this a lesson we can take with us throughout our lives - being just a little more raw, a bit vulnerable, and maybe subsequently more loving?

lucid dreaming [poem]

smiles in rearview mirror

fedora over beach hair

bouncing down urban road in

red pickup truck

nose ring yeah i'm cool

folk tunes stampin stereo

red light guy in next car 

looked over i swear be cool

windows rolled right down

but that was just a dream

yoga star om expert 

sweating thru anti-corporate

tank and coloured crops

smiling thru pain and 

posing each moment for Yoga Journal

hair tossed carelessly

elegant earthy top knot

waterproof mascara

breath perfection alignment perfection

but just another dream

cute blonde office girl

tucked neatly behind desk 

smiling hiding

long finger nails tick tak typing

little wink for the silver-haired 

executives patriarchs

dressed up just enough 

but not too much

so sweet so quiet so dumb

but yeah it's just a dream

book and bag on arm

a poet on the beach

wind blowing thru pages

don't look distracted girl

fedora makes a second act

not worried where sand sneaks in

looking out to vast blue ocean

believing she understands

beauty and love HAH

what's left after the dream?

life is a playground. tag, you're it!

My plan is to play through life!

Play through work. Play through "responsibilities." Play on holidays. Play through the smooth times. Play through trouble. Play through sadness. Play like a child, laughing, trying, flailing and falling, growing silent in concentration, using my mind to solve a problem and sharing. Helping others, everyone is a potential friend, and asking for help. I know I don't know everything.

I never want to strive to "work hard" again. I vow to no longer listen to those who tell me that success in life is achieved by working really really really hard (as though I must suffer difficulty and strain to be worthy of success!). I want to work soft. I want to work gentle. I want to work easy. I want to work playfully.

When something takes me in a flurry of interest, I want to get caught up in it, involved in it. I want to be passionate.

I don't plan to beat myself up for anyone or anything anymore. I don't want to fight. I like to play nice. This is my one beautiful life and I plan to love all of it.

A lofty goal. (at least you can see I'm not without ambition!)

Play is a way of interacting with the world that sees everything and everyone as inherently on my side. We are all friends in a schoolyard. We play different games and in each game we play different roles, but it's always just for fun. Nothing is so serious because this too shall pass.

Have you ever looked at your corporate job and thought, "these guys are taking this game waaaay too seriously"!? They are fighting and being rude. They talk to their mates as though the organizational structure is a real thing. They hurt themselves by getting stressed out and neglecting their health and their loved ones!

Can they not see that life is made of tiny moments of ecstasy? Can they even feel ecstasy any more?

But I don't hate the player nor the game! I say, if you can find a game you want to play, get into it! Enjoy! Sweat! Push your limits! But only for the love of it. Only if you can feel your soul delighting as it pours forth through you into the task. If you wake up at 2:30 am grasping for your phone so you can record the dream-load of ideas that was just gifted to you and email your future self at the office ("oh what did I mean by "create pyramid spreadsheet for Alberta possums" anyway?????").

Yes, do it for the love of it. Else, don't put your attention to it at all.

But my process of play doesn't just extend to the workplace. I am playing while I drive my pick-up truck (yes, that's me singing and smiling with the breeze in my face). I am at play when I hang the washing (getting immense satisfaction from using the least number of pegs on the most number of clothes), and when I cook (talking, of course, to the carrots and eggplant as I chop, "you little guys are going to join the other veggies in a yummy curry now and be loved and enjoyed by us all!").

But play isn't really about turning everything into a game. It is more a quality of being that invokes lightness, curiosity, and good humour. 

Play says, "I am open."

As in, "pass the ball, I am open!" "What do you want to do tonight? I am open!" "What do you think about this first draft? I am open!" "How can we resolve this issue together? I am open."

I am open to receive. I am open to feel. I am open to you. I am open to life in all forms that it shows up.

So waddya say? Wanna play?

Love,

R

"The Invitation" by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me

what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation
published by HarperONE, San Francisco,
1999 All rights reserved

http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/

some things never come clean

I had a dream that I was in a beautiful hotspring in a secluded mountain. There were some friends with me and we all sat on a rock ledge, our feet dangling over into a deep cavern below, up from which swirled bubbles of soupy endothermic heat. Not a watery hell. A great cooker of life. An earthly birth canal, which bathed us in subtle energizing tranquility. 

Small creatures and deep-sea fish swam around us, exploring us. A long pink fish with a wide-open mouth and blue gills came close and tasted each of our bodies. Some observed calmly in curious union with the stranger, but some were startled and splashed it away like frightened animals.

I took a large bowl and dipped it into the pool, filling it with salty life - small fish, sea plants, strange bits of organic and inorganic matter. I began to wash them, one hand in the bowl agitating lightly the suspension. I rinsed and rinsed, each time pouring out the cloudy liquid, as though washing the chickpeas before cooking them. And each time filling again the bowl with water from the hot spring. Patiently and gently I washed. Then someone said to me, "some things never come clean, Rikki."

The dream ended and I woke up in a beautiful peace.


Love,

R

why i decided to embrace and love my imperfection

I have been getting in touch with my imperfection.

It has been a heart-opening experience and I highly recommend it. 

I don't know where this belief comes from that says we have to be perfect. We have to be perfect to be lovable. We have to be perfect to be worthy. It's like we have to justify the air we breathe and the space we occupy. Maybe it's from growing up and growing into competition that we learn we have to beat out other people to get the things we want, or even to fulfill our basic needs in life. Can we unlearn this lie in time? Can we know that we are innately deserving?

Like so many people, I have a drive within me to be perfect. For me specifically, the belief that I need to be perfect manifests as trying to always say the right thing, do the right thing and be a "good person." Or even, I hate to say it but I have to be honest, to appear to others as if I am a good person. It's like, if I can just prove to everyone that I am good then they will like me and then I will deserve good things that come to me. (Or, on a darker level, then I can continue to play the innocent victim of the bad things that happen to me.) 

I acknowledge the benefit in continuously trying to improve myself, however when that is attempted through judgment and scolding of myself it is ultimately self destructive.

The consistent self-dialogue that assesses everything I do and say, and judges whether or not I am a good person because of it, is draining. It is very draining. It feels like there is always someone watching me and pointing out my flaws. Ouch.

I reached the point the other week when I made (what I perceived to be) a mistake (one that apparently proved to me once and for all that I am a bad and unworthy person [laughs]) and the negative reaction that I had in my mind completely brought to light this pattern of self-talk within me. I could see how I was judging myself. 

What did I do about it? 

Well, I got very self-absorbed for a couple of days, trying to piece together some sort of acceptable self-image that my ego could hang on to for dear life. It didn't work. Then I finally fell apart. I decided to accept what had happened and I decided to forgive myself. 

Then a great thing happened. I decided to forgive myself for everything.

This overwhelming forgiveness of myself played out as acceptance of every imperfection I could see (and there were many). I noticed something I did poorly and I forgave myself. I noticed a characteristic I have and I forgave it. As I held different aspects up to the light, I realized fully that I am, believe it or not, not perfect, and that that is normal and OK. Woof. What a revelation! (by the way, one that I've had many times before, but always manage to forget, and will likely forget again because, you know, I'm not perfect).

Then another beautiful thing happened. I began to recognize the same imperfection I saw in myself in everyone else. 

We are not these isolated pods that go about our lives in static separation. (who knew?)

As I unveiled my own vulnerability, I was privy to the vulnerability of everyone I encountered. This brought about a feeling of connectedness, community and empathy that was so fulfilling and that I too often miss out on when I am trapped in my internal dialogue.

If we come to our lives from a place of imperfection and acceptance we are open to see, to learn and to experience.

So here's my new practice. Each day and each moment I remember, to shave off any pretense and ground myself in joyful imperfection.

Love,

R

the pursuit of perfection will always be a pursuit

"Nothing stops the forward march of any creative endeavor like the need to do it absolutely perfectly. And who is to judge what is 'perfect' anyway? What I have judged full of flaws so many others have called terrific. Maybe the definition of Perfection is something that actually gets done."
~ Neale Donald Walsch

I have often been paralysed by the fear of getting something wrong. 

This is the reason why I hid my creative side away for many years. I couldn't show it to the world until it was "perfect," until it was "ready." I thought, surely I have talent. I could catch glimpses of it here and there, but it wasn't good enough yet. It wasn't ready to go out into the world until I could know for sure that it would be admired by all who saw it. 

What I realised when I started putting myself out there is that, for all your anxiety and pining over perfection, other people simply don't care as much as you do about whatever it is you're doing. And this is truly a great and liberating recognition. I realised that all I can really ask of people is that they allow me a space to do what I do, to wiggle around, squirming awkwardly into my "art." Maybe some people will like it, maybe they will care, but the vast majority won't even notice. What power this is, really, what freedom!

Not only will I never be perfect, I never have to be perfect. No one expects that of me.

I also realised that I'm never going to get it done completely. There will always be something I wish I said or did better, and you know what, that is exactly the inspiration for the next piece and the next piece and the next one: trying to touch something more and more real. 

I will often be reading something from a writer that I love and I will think, "wow, this is truly great, I never could have come up with this." And it's true, I couldn't have. Those thoughts and those words are uniquely theirs. It is their precious gift to the world. 

I also have a unique and precious gift to share with the world, but more importantly, I now understand that the only way I can do that is to actually do it. Like, Neale Donald Walsch says, stop worrying about perfection and just act, create, put it out there. The consequences can't be as bad as if I stifled that creativity.

Maybe we pursue perfection or truth or beauty as an ideal goal in our creative endeavours and the actual pieces that are born into reality are just symptoms of that pursuit. This one might grasp some little kernel of what we are reaching for, and that one something else. Or maybe we missed the mark on that one, but at least now we can see it. It doesn't matter. 

Everything we create are merely offshoots of something greater that is within all of us. What we create doesn't make us great or loveable or perfect. It is our innate greatness, lovableness and perfection that makes whatever we pursue, whatever we give form to, great if we can tap into it. 

Like many failed experiments, we hone in closer to discovering something about ourselves and our lives. No more hiding. No more excuses.

Love,
R

this path is a tight-rope

I have been walking fine lines lately.

Fine lines between security and disaster, honesty and self-importance, coming clean and hiding it all away, stating my truth and giving in to re-activity, being kind and being a doormat.

Equanimity seems continuously just out of my reach. 

I seem to be forever saying things in the wrong way, losing focus, and blurring the boundaries of myself. A wobbly top spinning on its spindle, its balance of motion and weight, all centred and focused on one point - the point of action in the present moment. 

I want to be a good person but feel like I am failing miserably. And this obsession with perfection is what's holding me back from really experiencing myself. 

Despite all the work I have done on myself to clear the crud away there is always more. I think I am stable and that is exactly when something happens and I come apart again. Well, I don't really come apart. My self-image comes apart and then I have to painfully recall that that was all it ever was, an image. 

The real Me is very flawed, and perfect, and whole in its humanness. In my clearer moments I know I will never be perfect and that is perfect. 

When I really know this in my body, like an open wound, I come from a more raw place. But I have to watch myself because the sentiment can easily become an intellectual construct wherein the words are believed and repeated like a nice-sounding aphorism, but if they are not really felt in the body, they become a symbol or shadow of their real meaning. When this happens I believe that I've got it all figured out, and inevitably this is when something (disastrous) happens that shows me I am worshiping a false idol...again. My ego burns up in that moment and I begin again. 

Rumi says, 

Be melting snow
Wash yourself of yourself

Maybe it never ends - this cycle of breaking down and coming home, hardening and breaking down again. And so my path unfolds...

I suck at life sometimes. but I just keep practising. 

And I guess this is why we can never judge another's path. We all ebb and flow towards enlightenment. 

Love,
R