I have been getting in touch with my imperfection.
It has been a heart-opening experience and I highly recommend it.
I don't know where this belief comes from that says we have to be perfect. We have to be perfect to be lovable. We have to be perfect to be worthy. It's like we have to justify the air we breathe and the space we occupy. Maybe it's from growing up and growing into competition that we learn we have to beat out other people to get the things we want, or even to fulfill our basic needs in life. Can we unlearn this lie in time? Can we know that we are innately deserving?
Like so many people, I have a drive within me to be perfect. For me specifically, the belief that I need to be perfect manifests as trying to always say the right thing, do the right thing and be a "good person." Or even, I hate to say it but I have to be honest, to appear to others as if I am a good person. It's like, if I can just prove to everyone that I am good then they will like me and then I will deserve good things that come to me. (Or, on a darker level, then I can continue to play the innocent victim of the bad things that happen to me.)
I acknowledge the benefit in continuously trying to improve myself, however when that is attempted through judgment and scolding of myself it is ultimately self destructive.
The consistent self-dialogue that assesses everything I do and say, and judges whether or not I am a good person because of it, is draining. It is very draining. It feels like there is always someone watching me and pointing out my flaws. Ouch.
I reached the point the other week when I made (what I perceived to be) a mistake (one that apparently proved to me once and for all that I am a bad and unworthy person [laughs]) and the negative reaction that I had in my mind completely brought to light this pattern of self-talk within me. I could see how I was judging myself.
What did I do about it?
Well, I got very self-absorbed for a couple of days, trying to piece together some sort of acceptable self-image that my ego could hang on to for dear life. It didn't work. Then I finally fell apart. I decided to accept what had happened and I decided to forgive myself.
Then a great thing happened. I decided to forgive myself for everything.
This overwhelming forgiveness of myself played out as acceptance of every imperfection I could see (and there were many). I noticed something I did poorly and I forgave myself. I noticed a characteristic I have and I forgave it. As I held different aspects up to the light, I realized fully that I am, believe it or not, not perfect, and that that is normal and OK. Woof. What a revelation! (by the way, one that I've had many times before, but always manage to forget, and will likely forget again because, you know, I'm not perfect).
Then another beautiful thing happened. I began to recognize the same imperfection I saw in myself in everyone else.
We are not these isolated pods that go about our lives in static separation. (who knew?)
As I unveiled my own vulnerability, I was privy to the vulnerability of everyone I encountered. This brought about a feeling of connectedness, community and empathy that was so fulfilling and that I too often miss out on when I am trapped in my internal dialogue.
If we come to our lives from a place of imperfection and acceptance we are open to see, to learn and to experience.
So here's my new practice. Each day and each moment I remember, to shave off any pretense and ground myself in joyful imperfection.
Love,
R
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